With thanks to Type O Negative

Spotted by one of  The Waspsnest’s Estonian co-conspirators, the following snippet is from a hilarious article with enough bad taste remarks and black humour to enrage the righteous even more than my comments a little further down on headless women :

How should you kill yourself? There are many means, but not many of them are effective or befitting a memorable suicide. For instance, slitting wrists. Totally a pussy way to go out. The suicide will be in vain. People will consider you a My Chemical Romance overemotional shitbag, which, frankly, you would be if you took to slitting.

Hanging is too traditional, and Saddam’s recent hanging would only bring up gallows humor comparisons. Death by pills runs the risk of not working, insofar as someone could see you passed out and then call 911.

The best way is the one with a 100% chance of success: shotgun to the face. Yeah, it’ll hurt like a bitch. But it works, guaranteed. Yet…one more stumbling block. A lot of attempters can’t aim worth a shit, meaning the shotgun is out. Hope is not lost, however! A pistol or other small handgun works perfectly. Plus, if you put it in your mouth, you literally can’t miss.

There’s one other sure-fire method, of course, but not one advocated at all: jumping off high heights. Here’s why I warn you to stay away at all costs. One, it’s selfish, as the corpse leaves a lot of guts that are hard to clean up. Gun deaths only fuck up the corpse itself and maybe the wall behind the head. Two, it takes too long. One could lose their nerve midway through jumping off Sears Tower, which leads to patently unneeded thoughts. What’s the point of death if the last thought is “I regret jumping”? Third and most important, the police might talk you out of it. It’s notoriously hard to jump once a conversation has been initiated. Nothing’s lamer than an attempted suicide, so best to avoid jumping all together.

Do go have a read if you appreciate dark humour but if you don’t, then please fuck off and go read The Daily Mail or something more constructive.