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Do not attempt to have sex with a metal pipe – it will end badly.

Another from Metro that I couldn’t resist sharing :

Medics at Southampton General Hospital struggled to get the man’s penis out of the stainless steel pipe, because the restricted blood flow had caused it to become erect.

Instead, they resorted called in Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service.

The fire crew turned up with a special equipment unit from St Mary’s station in Southampton and seven firefighters to help, in what a spokesman understatedly described as a ‘delicate operation’.

The firefighters used the four-and-a-half-inch industrial metal grinder to cut the pipe from around the anaesthetised man’s penis.

The penis was left bruised and swollen, but otherwise unharmed by its traumatic day.

The man, thought to be aged around 40, did not explain to hospital staff how exactly the pipe got stuck around his penis, after he presented himself at the hospital’s Accident & Emergency department on Tuesday morning. He was said to be ‘quite concerned and anxious’.

A Hampshire Fire and Rescue Service spokesman said: ‘It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting.

‘It’s certainly an unusual call-out, and I’m sure the man won’t be getting into that situation again.’

Watch manager Greg Garrett from the Redbridge fire station told the Southampton daily Echo: ‘I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.’

That one reminded me of a story I heard from a postlady friend of mine a few years ago.

She was on her usual delivery round in a very well to do area. Walking into a quiet cul-de-sac, she saw an ambulance and paramedic parked outside the house of a respected elderly couple who lived in a small bungalow with their middle aged son.

As my friend approached the house, she saw two ambulance men carrying out the son on a stretcher covered with a blanket. Right behind the ambulance men came the paramedic carrying a large vacuum cleaner, the hose of which disappeared under the blanket on the stretcher.

All the neighbours were out watching and the sight of the vacuum, hose and stretcher caused quite a stir.

The old couple moved house shortly after that episode; presumably they couldn’t cope with the embarrassment.

It seems more common than one would expect actually – a quick search later and we have this from The Daily Mail and the headline is a sub-editors wet dream in itself :

Dwarf rushed to hospital after gluing his penis to a hoover

A dwarf performing at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival was rushed to hospital after he glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner.

Daniel Blackner – who performs in the Circus of Horrors as Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf – said the incident happened as he prepared for a show.

As part of the spectacle, the dwarf pulls a Henry vacuum cleaner across the show attached to his penis.

But a special attachment connecting the 42-year-old to the appliance came loose.

He decided to fix the broken apparatus with extra strong glue, but he left it to dry for only 20 seconds, instead of 20 minutes.

This meant when he connected himself to the vacuum cleaner, the glue was not yet dry, and his penis was immediately stuck fast.

He was taken to the accident and emergency department of Edinburgh Royal Infirmary, where, he said, nurses struggled for an hour to free him.

Mr Blackner said: “It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed A&E with a vacuum attached to me.

“I just wished the ground could swallow me up. Luckily, they saw me quickly so the embarrassment was short lived.”

You may need some mind bleach now – sorry!

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